Just when everyone thought that the deepest jungles were the choice destination of classic ape living with the highest of style, another location emerges as the great ape living place of choice.
Instead of living in those terrible jungles, or even more disgusting, a prison human's call a "zoo", great apes may now immigrate to balmy mediteranean destination known as Spain! Oh yes, in Spain the apes are afforded a legal status of equality with human beings, complete with labor laws, paid vacations, and maternity/paternity leave. They can even join the union and only be required to work 26 hours a week!
As the European population ages and the Euros just refuse to reproduce, many see the new Ape population as a great asset to the economy. Jose Noway, a prominent Spanish politician, recently commented:
I think it is great to have our Ape brothers in the work force. We don't have any more people for jobs so someone will have to do it. We think Apes may be our solution. Up until now radical Islamists have taken over our jobs, but now we have a second source of labor. Granted, Apes cannot use computers, do simple math, count money, understand simple abstractions such as banking, but they do have similar DNA to us. Plus, we think if put in the right environment, such as Europe, the Apes will rapidly learn and evolve. Additionally, we hope the apes can help our sorry football team in future world cups! The apes have been victims of speciesism for too long. Spain is leading the world in this new revolution!
Peter Singer echoed great enthusiasm as the goals of his Great Ape Project are being realized! The goals of the great ape declaration are finally coming to past in the enlightened lands of Spain.
We demand the extension of the community of equals to include all great apes: human beings, chimpanzees, bonobos, gorillas and orang-utans.
The community of equals is the moral community within which we accept certain basic moral principles or rights as governing our relations with each other and enforceable at law...
Apes everywhere rejoiced at the movement in Spain. Though the ape community's reaction was mostly positive, there have been some mixed responses. Some, who desire to remain anonymous, shared their disappointment by the slow progress in America. Many understand that the ape community really dislikes Europe as they see no future for the continent. Most prefer the state of California as the true golden coast of ape rights. They feel it is the first state which may grant them moral standing in the community of equals. Though thankful for the movement in Spain, many want to see lobbying dollars and more social pressure put on California. Ape Lincoln (R - Asia) did go on record about the so called Californian Initiative:
The great apes of our lands do appreciate all the efforts, hard work, and tireless service to achieve this great victory for ape-kind in Spain. Yet much more work is to be done. We have many, many zealous friends in California that need our support in their struggle. Once apes have rights in California, we will be truly free from the bonds of speciesism - plus, we can go live in Hollywood and continue to follow our dear brother Clyde in the movie business.
This will be the great day of rejoicing for all ape-kind - when California drops her great deception of human superiority. This will signal the end of ape oppression!
Americans are mixed on the whole matter - some realizing that we are no better than apes want to go ahead and codify this evident truth in law. Some simpletons (particularly Jews, Muslims and Christians) want to maintain that human beings are ontologically distinct from the apes. But some superstitions are slow to pass in the minds of men.
[For the Reuter's story on Spain to grant equal rights to Apes, see
Demanding rights for great apes]